I am so nervous to post these that I might throw up.
I’m feeling allllll sorts of emotions but the main one is FEAR. I’m scared to show people my body because it’s a body now. And as much as I might preach self-love and all that mumbo-jumbo I am kind of ashamed of where I’m at in this current body. It’s physically uncomfortable right now and for someone who can’t even look at themselves in the mirror most days it’s fucking terrifying to show it to the whole world. But that’s exactly why I need to do this. I need to do this for myself. And I need to do this for you.
But let me rewind a second.
Like many women, I’ve had (air quotes) body issues. But unlike a lot of women I’ve had at different points in my life what’s considered as issues issues. The heavy hitters. Anorexia, bulimia, bingeing/purging, orthorexia, exercise addiction, and body dysmorphia. Those are just the body-related ones! I’m a little bit messed up I guess. And I was really damn good at hiding all of those. It was kind of like a game for me, except the risk was losing my life if I won. The blind hatred I felt towards my body truly was all-consuming.
I’m happy to say that I’m more or less recovered from most of those issues but the mental mindset doesn’t ever leave you. And because of that I take certain precautions. I try not to go to the gym anymore by myself. I don’t watch food documentaries. I don’t count calories or have a scale or look in the mirror (for better or worse) or let myself go too long without eating. I spend a lot of time just being naked in an attepmt to normalize my body with my self. I even got rid of that folder on my computer with pictures of skinny people that took me years to compile. That one was hard to do.
But now that I’m ‘better’ I’m just another chubby girl who’s ignored by society.
I’m just stuck with myself.
If I have to be stuck with myself I’m going to try to live with it. Maybe even…(oh my god here’s a radical notion) love it.
I’ve come to realize that I’m a god-damn renaissance painting in a world that currently worships a different body type. Or at least that’s what I tell myself these days. I’m fleshy and full and got lumps and bumps and lovely lady humps!
But just because I was born in the wrong time period for my body type doesn’t make my body wrong. It just makes it unique. And uniqueness, at the very least, is NOT boring!
I’m at my highest weight, I think. And I’ve reached a truce with myself.
I used to do a lot of bad things to my body…and none of them fixed anything. The underlying issues, which had nothing to do with food or weight, were still there. So now I’m going to try to do some good things. I’m going to work out in moderation with love and respect for my body in ways that bring me joy. I’m going to fill it with real, whole foods instead of sugar and simple carbs (also sugar). I’m going to stop comparing myself to people because, as Theodore Roosevelt wisely said, comparison is the thief of joy.
I’m not going to hide anymore, nor am I going to wait to do things until I’m perfect. Because we all know that doesn’t exist. Perfect is an ever-moving target, an oasis of death in the desert race of life. And frankly, I’ve got more important shit to do. I’m going to buy the expensive lingerie (for myself, not just my clients anymore!), I’m going to take the self-portraits, I’m going to wear the bikini, and I’m going to have sex with the lights on (well I kind of already do this but it’s not what I would describe as my favorite kind of sex ifyaknowwhatImean.)
And the best part is that I’m not alone! There is a whole movement of body-positive people coming out of the woodwork and boudoir is just one of the many ways that they are using to not only jump-start that journey and embrace their own uniqueness but also change the way the world views sexy. Sexy is raw, sexy is real, sexy is…whatever the fuck you want it to be. It’s tanned and toned AND big and bodacious.
Because I’m a boudoir photographer (if you didn’t know that already where the heck have you been!?) I hopped on the bandwagon to do it for myself. I kind of chose the dumbest time to to it too. High noon in Florida with the sun shining brightly (the worst time for photo-taking) and in a semi-public walking path. I could feel myself burning as the minutes ticked by and this weird guy kept circling back on his bicycle. Luckily I had Alex along to keep a look out.
When I got home and looked at the photos I have to be honest, at first I didn’t like what I saw. I started to think that maybe I shouldn’t have done it, it was a waste of time (soooo much time. Self portraits are HARD), and that I was most definitely NOT going to post them. NopenopeNOOOPPPEEE. People would see that I’m fat under all of those clothes! People would think that I let myself go or that I’m lazy or that I’m ugly.
I had a glass of wine and looked at myself with kindness. I looked at myself objectively as if I was looking at one of my clients. And then I fell in love. When I removed all of the mental bull-shit that runs through my head all of the time and just looked at that woman staring back at me…I cried. I cried for all that I have become, for all that I have lost in the battle to whittle myself down, and for all that my life is yet to be. And I’m crying now!
As it stands today I’m far from peace….but at least I’m not at war anymore.
And that’s good enough for me.
P.S. Other that color-changes and pimple removal I did NOT photoshop my body. I purposely used photos that flaunted my stomach in ‘unflattering’ poses because it’s my biggest personal ‘flaw’ in my eyes. I think showing you that is the ultimate form of bravery, and it’s set me free.
Jan Gossaert’s Venus and Palma Giovane’s Venus and Cupid at Vulcan’s Forge
(Hmmmm….Venus is a goddess. She looks like me. Therefore I am a goddess?!)
If you’re ready to love yourself NOW just as you are and book a shoot with me- CLICK THIS!